“You’re such a perfectionist,” said a co-worker of mine in a not-so-nice tone.
I laughed. “I’m much too imperfect to be a perfectionist.”
“That’s the definition of a perfectionist,” she said. (Did I mention she also said I was an A-type personality? Humph.)
Um, what??!! So because I’m a perfectionist I had to look it up. Here’s a few definitions:
- A disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
- A person who is displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards.
- A tendency to expect perfection in everything one does, with little tolerance for mistakes.
Hmm. I guess that does fit me, though I never considered it before. I’d heard this excuse from other people – and I do consider it an excuse. “I’m a perfectionist so I never finish anything.” Completing tasks is not a problem for me. I turn things in on time, in the right format, and I never ask for extensions. I was like that in school and I’m like that in the workplace. The problem is I’m like that with myself. And if I’m honest, that means I often fail myself. And feel bad about it.
What does this have to do with writing? Writing (at least for me) is much more about re-writing, editing, whatever you want to call it. The first draft usually is junk. That means expecting perfection makes writing that first draft TORTURE.
That got me thinking that perfectionists miss a lot of the fun of the experience. If I’m worried about failing, then I’m not enjoying the process. I’ve said many times before that I love having written, but don’t enjoy writing. I’ve always taken that as a given, an unchangeable part of my personality. What if I approach the writing to enjoy those moments, and not worry so much about the end product? That is counter to everything I usually do, which means it has to be a conscious decision.
I decided a long time ago that happiness is a conscious decision. And you know what? I’m happier because of it. Not all the time, of course, but when I can remember. I need to bring the same mind over matter, or mind over mind, mentality to my writing. So tonight I’m going to write, and I’m going to enjoy it – even if I don’t like what I’ve written.
HourADayWriter 